Someone told me that the top 5 things that stress people out are:
Moving house, Changing Jobs, Pregnancy, Financial Difficulties and Health breakdowns.
Talk about stacking the odds against me right now! I moved into my new house two days ago with my 7 weeks pregnant wife, after being out of work for 6 months through a failed business attempt, and changing jobs. Argh! At least I still have my health. Knock on wood.
Now, I handle stress relatively easily. I learned to be a calm in the eye of a storm after doing over a hundred licenced skydives. After putting your life in the hands of a thin piece of material several times as you plummet towards the ground at body disintegrating speeds, you tend to learn how to compartmentalise fear and focus on what's necessary to get the job done.
But I tell ya…. skydiving is 60 seconds of pure adrenaline. It's got nothing on weeks of feeling like you're walking underwater as lots of little things just slowly pile up around you. I didn't think moving house would be so stressful. It is.
People ask me how I am. I say, "Stimulated." and I am. Stress goes hand in hand with action and excitement. The alternative is being stress free, and totally bored.
But, then there's Nicky. OH Nicky.
In a previous post I was told about 'Nesting'. A womans desire to create a home. Before I even knew Nicky, she already had our entire house furnished. She had cutlery and plates under her bed, glasses in the cupboard, and bedding in a box at the end of her bed. She had kitchen appliances, bathroom stuff, microwaves, even the bed we sleep on. Nicky had her house planned out long before I even asked her out. When we got married, I don't think I bought a thing. What she didn't have, we got as a wedding gift and then some (which turned out to be the next 5 years of handy re-gifts too!). She's already got names for her future children. Her whole life revolved around building a home, and being a mum. A beautiful, faithful and rare gem, nothing says 'I Love You' more to her than grabbing a broom and sweeping the floor before she gets home. Cleaning the dishes, or cooking her a meal while she watches an episode of desperate housewives is a practical guarantee of a good night for all.
As we've been moving house, I have really noticed a change in Nicky's behaviour. It's an interesting social experiment. We've been snapping at eachother more, showing a shorter fuse. Little things are really getting under our skin. "Don't take your shoes off on the carpet!!" "You're going ten K over the speedlimit!" "Don't feed Tyson bones!" Little complaints, that sure may all be justified, but they just keep on coming…and coming…and coming. Last night, when I had heard so many miniature complaints that I was begging that stupid chrome fridge to land on my head and kill me, I had to take a step back from it all and take a breather.
"TIME OUT!!!"
I went over to my mum's house for an escape. Mum always knows what to do. Even if it's just a hot cup of tea and a cookie.
"It sounds like she's just feeling unsettled. I can see it. I know what you mean. I can see it. But remember, she's a nester without a nest right now. Her world revolves around homemaking and she doesn't have a home yet. Merely a building with a lot of boxes."
The tea tasted so good. As it hit my stomach it exploded like a warm firework. It made the fact that my cookie plopped to the bottom of the cup not really matter.
I went home when Nicky was out and started cleaning up the place as best I could. There were boxes everywhere, a drier in the middle of the kitchen. I rolled up my sleeves and got stuck into it. Pressed for time, anything that I didn't know what to do with I simply hid in the garage to get out of sight for the moment. I straightenned the table that was haphazardly shoved against a wall, and put candles in a row down the middle. I cleared the cups and plates we used to feed the workers that helped us move in. I swept the loungeroom tiles to get rid of the mud footprints that had been traipsed through since the rain.
When Nicky walked in and saw that her new house looked more like a home and not a building site, I instantly saw her relax. She came and sat on my lap and kissed me.
This is life. This is marriage.
It's the little things that make all the difference, you've just got to know how to spot them.
Actually, this reminds me of a video I made one month after we got married. I've learned a lot since then. Check it out.
Benjamin Csikos wrote:Cleaning the dishes, or cooking her a meal while she watches an episode of desperate housewives is a practical guarantee of a good night for all.Yes, my husband employs a tactic much like this, only he adds having a shave and putting on some deodorant to the routine. It has got to the point where I feel slightly ill at ease when he does the cooking, the cleaning and comes from the bathroom cleanshaven and smelling like the perfume counter at myer.
SLol! Uhoh… sounds like the wrong tactic.
It's all about the 5 languages of love. Words of affirmation, Time spent, Touch, Acts of service, Gifts. Everyone gives and recieves love in one of these languages.
Mine is Words of affirmation and touch.
Nicky's is heavily acts of service.
You can both be saying the same thing to eachother but it's like youre speaking different languages.
"I love you!" You say. They look at you blankly. So you say it again, this time slower and more succint.
"I….LOOOOOVE….YOU." They still look at you.
"What are you an idiot? I LOVE YOU!!! I LOVE YOU!!!" Now they just look offended because you're shouting at them.
It's like trying to speak english to a japanese person, thinking that if you go slowly and loudly they will understand you. It's not what you're saying, it's the language youre saying it in.
Nicky cleaning up the house for me does absolutely squat for me. I really couldn't care less. But she is speaking to me in the language she understands. Me stroking her back and giving her shoulder rubs doesn't mean squat to her, but it's the way I would want to be communicated with.
If his language of love is acts of service, him cleaning up the kitchen means he'd expect you to be crazy excited and turned on by such an act, rip off your clothes and violate him with great gusto… because that's what He would do.
…but if youre not an act of service person, it's just a 'Oh crap… time to do my DUTY again."
Do you know eachothers languages?
Not really, though we have a very happy marriage that has lasted past the 7 year itch, and a relationship spanning 14 years as a couple.
We also have three kids under 6, a business and a couple of houses. We work together and live together.
If I had to guess, I'd say you're missing a language and his language is "no clothes on" language….
No seriously, it's not just about languages of love (though I think there is a point there). It is about respect. Respect for your partner means that you care for them and their feelings, you protect them in every sense. Respect means respecting what they like and what they want in every avenue of life – love, work, fun, kids. Respect and love together mean that when you know what they like and want, you do your best to give it to them, selflessly, and you take pleasure in their hapiness. Sounds enough to make your hurl, hey? I've never put it into a box and said my language of love is "Time Spent" and his is "Touch", I've just honoured his wishes, respected who he is and loved him for it, and he has done the same for me.
As for sex – well, we have three small children, including a baby, so sex is not at the top of the list of priorities (for me anyway) – sleep is! It's just a stage and we both look forward to Harry learning to sleep through the night.
The theory on the language of love seems to have helped you, though, and I think it is great that you know exactly how to make Nicky feel loved. Well done.
S
Sounds like touch to me.
Personally, I hate cleaning up the house. I really wouldn't care if I slept with rats. I just keep it clean because a happy wife is a happy life.
It's pretty easy to keep a guy happy. Sex and a paycheque. If he's getting both, he's happy.
Women on the other hand??? It's all over the shop at any given time. It's like a complete mystery.
Take heart, and enjoy that at least you know what it takes to have a happy relationship. It's been the same, black and white, cut and dry thing all along. No puzzle to solve. Sex and a paycheque. Easy.
Women need to feel safe.
She needs to feel safe from the threat of poverty, ridicule, abuse, neglect, infidelity.
She needs to feel safe to express herself, personally, sexually, privately, publicly, in speach, dance, song, writing, cooking, fashion, home decor, art, sport, parenting
She needs to feel safe to rely upon you as a husband, best friend, father, provider, protector, lover.
She needs to feel safe, confident, secure, reassured, trust, trusted, valued, loved, adored, appreciated.
She needs to feel that she can stand toe to toe with you, shouting at the top of her voice and still be safe.
She needs to feel that she is safe because you will face everything in the world together.
Safe to explore who she is, be who she is, change who she is and still be loved.When you tidied the house, like you already realise, you returned the equilibrium to her world, restored the order and she was safer, more in control, and you were there, helping her. When you help around the house you show her that she can rely upon you as a father, a partner in the enourmous job of raising children – you'll be there, broom in hand, stirring dinner and changing bums right along side her. And that is what women find attractive in men – fathering potential. Be it the biological attraction to the strong male type, or the attraction to intelligence, humour, or to $ – It comes back to the evolutionary drive to find a suitable, reliable, safe father for their children.
So make her feel safe.
And I'll add to the sex and paycheque thing. Men need something to do, to feel useful. And according to my husband, they need a boat too.
S
Lol.
When I am obscenely rich with more money than I know what to do with, I'm sure I'll buy a boat.. and take up golf.
That will be fun for about, oh 18 seconds when I realise I get sea sick, hate the smell of fish, and find golf really, really boring.
All interesting- yes women need to feel a bit safe and secure but we are also responsible for our own state of mind, security and confidence and have to know how to also be secure and safe for ourselves and not expect everyone else to do it all for us, and depend on everyone else.
I have seen about 10 marriage break ups lately where they have been married for 10- 32 years and a lot of it has to do with women expecting and putting too much pressure on the husband to be fathers, lovers, financiers, cleaners, gardeners, house managers, tidiers, handyman and expecting that the guys are some knight in shining armour. Many have had enough or cant cope with all the pressure, expectations, are desperately unhappy, worn out, tired etc and are running home or leaving in droves.
So I have sat down and thought all of this out and I have changed a few things in our house hold- we have a cleaner a few hrs a week, I do not whinge or nag about anything, and thank ful every day I have health, food, shelter. We play nice music when we come home and have a dance/ laugh or take the dog for a walk, mobiles go off after 6pm, we read books together and discuss things like history, religion, travel, science, or interesting topics and we have some peace and no distractions.
We have delegated tasks so we know whom does washing, garbage, feeds dogs, pays bills and we have just made it simple and have decluttered the house and given away things we dont need or dust collectors, and also we plan where we are having mini breaks or holidays. I do not want a worn out stressed wreck of a man or to over burden him with too much, and I cant expect 1 mere person to give me 100% of all of my needs- a lot of it comes from your own sense of worth and security.
Our families- grandparents and parents came to Australia with only a suitcase, a few pounds, not very much english and each other- they did not have all these homes, clutter, organising things, getting stressed about housework, dust, boxes, plasma tvs, furniture as they were too poor to have anything until they built up a home, and together they have all built major business empires, but they learnt the value of respecting each other, working together, each person being capable and strong in their own self, not arguing or whinging, or taking out things on each other and both our sides of grandparents were together happily married over 60- 65 years til they passed. So we need to get back to basics a bit, learn from people that have been married and made it work for a long time, and just not get worried over small issues.
When I get worried or upset or a bit stressed I visit some of my friends, or rels in the cemetry, sit with them, have a bit of a chat and this will put anything into perspective.
Kylie
Hi, I've been reading this post and it's very entairtaining. I've also read the book "the 5 languages of love", but I have to say that I didn't enjoy it as much as "Men are from Mars and women from Venus".
Just for the record my wife and I don't have problems after 11 years together (she was 18 and I was 23), but reading these books made a few things much easier. Specially because I learned to close my mouth and listen without given a solution to everything. This little change improved our relationship from good to very good.
Gabriel.Gabriel Torres wrote:I learned to close my mouth and listen without given a solution to everythingGabriel.Very very good.
And Kylie, I agree, we women are responsible for our own emotional resilience.
I think that in the relationships dept, my DH and I have a head start cause we grew up in families with a functional marriage. We saw how our parents loved and respected one another and we naturally emulate that. I believe it would be much harder, and perhaps this is where these books really come in handy, if you had grown up in a family where the marriage wasn't loving and respectful.
I also agree, Kylie, that women shouldn't expect too much of their husbands. While your routine sounds a little like that of a young couple without children (all that talking and reading and no distractions), it is nice you are getting this time in now. I do demand a bit from my DH, but I also fully support every escape he makes. If he wants to go fishing, I'm only too happy for him to take that time, be it a couple of hours or a week away. Similarly, he supports my every move towards recreation for myself. When you get stuck in the routine of kids, the demands on both of you are many and endless. There isn't enough time in the day, or enough energy, and things still need to be done. We work together to get everything done in the home, in the business, in raising the kids, in the garden. When you are working this hard, it is important to have fun and to take time for yourself. My husband fishes, I am an ammateur performing singer and volunteer choir mistress at the local primary school.
Fun is important.S
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