Kingaroy vs. Melbourne

Thought this was kind of funny.

In the interests of national harmony, the Kingaroy Shire Council extends a warm welcome to all those people from Melbourne who wish to visit our fair town. However, previous misunderstandings have made it essential that we hand out the following flyers to those Melbournites interested in spending any length of time in or around Kingaroy, or in interacting with our friendly locals.

Please, be aware of the following guidelines:

Let's get this straight: we have four stoplights in town. We stop when they're red. We may stop when they're yellow. Hell, we may even stop when they're green if we see something interesting across the road.

It's called a 'dirt road.' Yes, we still have some here and there. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your BMW. We have four-wheel drives because we use them. Drive or get out of the way.

Any references to "bush pigs" when talking about our women will get your butt kicked … by our women.

Go ahead and bring your $800.00 Orvis Fly Rod to fish with. Don't cry to us if a bass or golden perch breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 10-inchers you fish for… bait.

That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym. He doesn't need your respect, but he sure as hell deserves it.

Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot. Men, if you want to wear earrings, pierce your nose and whatevers, and wear your hair long, go right ahead – but if we call you ma'am, don't be offended.

Yes, we have civilisation here. We've got a new Aldi, a new Hungry Jacks, a new Harvey Norman, and a new mine opening. We've even got a world class shopping centre, a Mitre-10 Megastore, mobile reception all through town, and our property values have jumped by 20% in the last few months. How's Melbourne doing with that?

That's right. A stubbie at a pub is only two bucks. We can buy a carton for what you paid in Melbourne for a six pack.

No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Order a two-pound lobster and steamers. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice, or in a can.

Yes, there is a coal mine nearby. It feeds the Tarong Power Station, which provides between a quarter and a third of Queensland's energy. And not only will the mine soon be moving closer to town, we hear a second mine will soon be opening near Kingaroy too. Don't like coal? Coal in town means good people are working.

So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar peanut harvesters that we use three weeks a year.

Yeah, we eat perch. And bass. And two pound beef steaks. We eat freshwater lobster, scallops, and clams, too. You want sushi and caviar? They're available at the bait shop.

They are cattle. That's what they smell like. Sometimes they even get through fences, and they don't really grasp the concept of roads, so keep an eye out when you're driving. You might want to note that a dried cow pat was how the first frisbee was invented.

Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It scares the fish. No, there's no crocodiles, but if you hit into the rough, we have these things called red belly blacks, and they're not football players.

Most people in utes wave. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

We don't do 'hurry up' well.

So you've got a two bedroom investment unit in Toorak that you paid half a million dollars for and rent out for 3% returns? Oooo, we're real impressed. We've got four bedroom Queenslander houses on 1200 square metre ResB blocks two streets from the town centre selling for $230,000, and making 5%. Our houses have yards that kids can throw a ball for a dog in. How exactly do you do that in your Melbourne matchboxes?

The iconic Peanut Van and some of the local vinyards are really tourist traps that no self-respecting Kingaroy native visits (unless we actually want some decent wine or peanuts), but we won't tell you that because we want your tourist dollars. Besides, how else will we unload all those "authentic" Kingaroy artifacts that were made in Taiwan?

You'll notice when there are flocks of native parrots flying overhead, the locals don't speak if they look up at them because of two things: bird poop and gravity.

Cars with Victorian license plates are treated with great respect, and given a wide berth, as everyone knows Victorians can't drive.

We have fruit bats. They poo. It peels paint. You park your BMW under a fruit tree, and they'll leave a logo on your hood.

Unless followed by the word "Sucks," the term "AFL" should never be spoken in Kingaroy. If it is, we will assume that the handbag your wife is holding belongs to you. We follow Rugby Union or even Rugby League. We have no idea what soccer is.

Welcome to Kingaroy…The Way Life Should Be.

Now Go Home.