Funny stuff

These are some of the jokes I have put in our company newsletter. Hope you like them.

A couple are going out for the evening. They have gotten ready, dressed, put the dog out and are ready to leave. The taxi arrives and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back into the house. They don’t want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver: “He’s just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.” A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. “Sorry I took so long” he says. “Stupid **** was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her into the back yard! She better not **** in the vegetable garden again!” The silence in the cab was deafening.

Fresh from the shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of telling me it’s not so he comes up with a suggestion. “If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.” Puzzled but willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. “How long will this take?” I ask. “They will grow larger over a period of years,” he replies. I stop. “Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?” Without missing a beat he says, “Worked for your bum, didn’t it?”

Three Kiwis and three Aussies are travelling by train to a yachting conference in England. At the station, the three Kiwis each buy a ticket and watch as the three Aussies buy just one ticket between them. “How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?” asks one of the Kiwis. “Watch and learn,” answers one of the Aussies. They all board the train. The Kiwis take their respective seats, but the Aussies cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, “Tickets please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Kiwis see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, they decide to copy the Aussies on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Aussies don’t buy a ticket at all! “How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed Kiwi. “Watch and learn,” answers one of the Aussies. When they board the train, the three Aussies cram into a toilet, and soon after the Kiwis cram into another nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Kiwis are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Tickets please.”

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?” He answers, “You see, it’s like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it’s sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own………….so does she.”

A 75 year old man went to his doctor to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “take this jar home and bring me back a semen sample tomorrow.” The next day, the 75 year old man returned to the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, “Well doc, its like this… first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing! We even called up Doris, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.”
The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbour?” The old man replied, “yep, but no matter what we tried, with our arthritis, we still couldn’t get the bloody jar open.”

NURSING HOME: One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. “So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they ask. “It’s pretty nice,” she replies. “Except they won’t let you fart.”

===============================================
CIA RECRUITS
===============================================
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After
all of the background checks, interviews, and
testing were done there were three finalists
— two men and one woman. For the final test,
the CIA agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow your instructions,
no matter what the circumstances. Inside this
room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.
You have to kill her.”

The first man said.”You can’t be serious. I
could never shoot my wife,”

The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right
man for this job.”

The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was
quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent
came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but
I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You
don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and
go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she
was told to kill her husband. She took the gun
and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing,
banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all
was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood
the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow
and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was
loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death
with the chair.”
[thumbsupanim]

I used to think that life had a plan for me
Until I realised life had to be planned by me.