Hey all you parents out there, as you would know the school holidays are coming up! This has nothing to do with property investing, but id juss like your thoughts on a few things,
im 16, yr 11 student, doing yr 12 maths, reads quite a lot (just starting to read Steve McKnight’s 1,000,000 property in one year!) just got my term 1 report.
To my delight it was all “Very highs” and “highs”. But my parents gave me no praise, juss “keep it up”. i know my education is for me and i shud be doing it for myself and not for my parents but it seems like no matter what i do theres just no pleasing them.
any advice?
Ahh us parents are funny beasts aren’t we? Tied up in our own affairs, stressing over money and jobs and keeping the bills paid and sometimes losing sight of the really important things in life like the triumphs of our kids.
I have a 15 year old son who swings between wanting to be a man and be on his own and being childlike in his desire for attention, appreciation and praise. I try to go with the flow on that (and he ain’t never going to be too old for a cuddle from his mum).
I sympathise with your plight and say CONGRATULATIONS! I bet your parents are as pleased as punch and want you to work to your full potential to get where you want to go…but alas they are just human and can be distracted or stressed or just messed up and might not react as you want them too. Don’t take it to heart though, it is all part of realising that you are the one who has to always live with your decisions and if you decide to keep succeeding like you are then you don’t need anyones else’s appreciation (though of course we all like a pat on the back now and then don’t we [bonjour])
*hugs*
______________________
I know I can, I know I can
Hi Bwendan,
I am about to turn 40, but I remember well feeling just exactly like you describe when my mother was less than enthusiastic about what was a pretty good acheivement. My mum and I are now very good friends and I told her about this one time, she was very upset that she had hurt my feelings so much – although this discussion happened many years after the event. Her concern was always to encourage me to extend myself as much as possible and her generation treated this aim differently to my generation.My advice (and I sincerely hope I never put my 3 as yet young children in this position) is to write a letter to your parents and really pay attention to the words you use. Don’t be angry or blaming, just explain your emotions. Use words like “I FEEL”, not “you make me feel”. For example, “When you don’t seem to be proud of my marks, I feel ….”.
Leave the letter somewhere for them to find – stuck to the fridge, on a computer keyboard, whatever, give it a couple of days then ask them about the letter. I am in no way a professional, so this is just an idea that might be worth trying.
Best of luck and always try to remember that they love you, they just might get a bit lazy about showing it. Do you remember to show them how much you love them all the time?
PS – I really wish I had started finding out this sort of stuff when I was your age!!!! I started working part time and therefore earning money when I was 12 and have absolutely nothing to show for it.
komari
Hi Bwendan,
Komani has given great advice. I’m not a parent (not that I know of anyway). However I wasn’t the happiest of students when I was your age so I can relate to your feelings of despair. This may sound so cliche but you really have the runs on the board mate (studying Yr 12 maths in Yr 11, studying property ALREADY!, ETC). Perhaps another approach to use could be to rally against your parents apparent lack of encouragement by excelling ‘for yourself’, not for their approval. I know that this doesn’t adequately help how your feeling now but I know heaps of young adults who are lavished with praise in a vain attempt to motivate someone who will never have the gift of passion that you have. You really should be proud of yourself and for what life has in store for you mate. When I was five my dad would come up to me and say ‘Gatsby, how old are you now?’ ‘Five I would reply.’ ‘Well son, when I was your age I was six!! We always had to go on these stupid Sunday drives during the hottest time of the year! ‘Gatsby it’s 5 o clock. I want to be on the road by 5.30. We won’t have time to stop for the toilet so we’ll be passing an empty coke can around the car. We’ll be driving in circles with no direction whatsoever and the sun will be taking turns to shine through your window. Four hours later I’d be melting in the back seat and say ‘Dad, can you put the air conditioner on please?’ ‘No Gatsby, it chews up petrol.’ ‘Well dad, can you take my HECS money and turn that f*&%en A/C on please?’ ‘No, shut up and have a plumb!’
Then their was my mum! She would be in the front raving on about brain tumours! Eventually I cracked and said ‘mum, we’ve been driving now for about 10 hours and I’ve just got one thing to say. ‘DO YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO DOESN’T HAVE A F*#@EN BRAIN TUMOUR! I’M TRYING TO EAT A PLUMB BACK HERE! PLUMB-BRAIN TUMOURS! DO YOU GET THE SIMILARITIES HERE?’
Anyway, all I can say is seriously I think that perhaps your ahead of your time/peers and people may have a hard time understanding that. In time they will look back in awe.
Take care,
Kind regards,
Gatsby!It sounds to me like your parents are taking you for granted – they expect you to get good grades simply because you have in the past. For them to appreciate what they have, you may well first have to take it away from them temporarily by reducing your performance. Nothing drastic, just fail every subject for a semester. I guarantee they’ll take notice of any good report you bring home after that.
Hope this helps,
F.[cowboy2]Gatsby LOL.
Bwendan, been there, had all A’s all my life(they were A’s in the 80’s) and brought home one report with a single B in Year 11 and all Mum said was “what the hell happened?”.
You are doing great, you are way ahead of other people your age, and smart enough to learn that parents are not perfect, in fact they all carry some sort of baggage that affects the way they treat their children but overall they are better than their own parents and you will be better than them to your children too.
However, we all need to be recognised and praised – I certainly do. I know myself when I’ve achieved alot (and I reward msyelf) but it still means something special when the love of my life says how great I am.
Maybe just say to your parents that you are proud of yourself for the great report, you feel terrific, and say you hope they feel proud of you too. It will no doubt make them realise they forgot to tell you that and they will agree with you.
Kid, you’ll move mountains. (Dr. Suess)
skippygirl
)Well Done, you’ve done well, be proud.
There’s some great advsie here and if you don’t speak up your parents may not know how you feel. In fact in the world we live in today they may be afraid of putting too much emphasis on your grades in case it’s puts too much pressure on you.
Let them know how you feel and give them an opportunity to let you know where they are coming from too, opening the doors to communication stops many potential problems early and creates better harmony for everyone concerned.
Good Luck
PKNow a parent my self, I feel that the lack of encouragement you are feeling at the moment is valid and needs addressing. Sadly, 25 or so years ago when I was a teen, all I got was a sit down with dad to lecture me on improving this or that aspect of the report. The fact that apart from this I was basically allowed to be slack, watch too much telly, read science fiction instead of science text books, led me to be a bit creative and not think too well in mainstream arenas.
To critique the results you now show, to me, is like my parents a bit one sided. As without a positive and excouraging input throughout the term, helping with homework, discussing study and social schedules, and basically being there for you throughout the journey, maybe they dont have the right to be critical.
If they bag you, encourage them to help, if they priase you, praise their help with fees, excursion cash, feeding a bottomless pit of a teenage stomach. Simple things that go both ways. The main thing is to communicate with each other.
The best approach is the letter to start with and great suggestions from the other posters too.
Dont be afraid to chat, they currently are reactive not proactive so maybe you can be to get things sorted.
Good luck and keep reaching for those stars.
DD
Buyers Agent (Dip Financial Services(FP)
Don’t sweat the small stuff,and it’s all small stuff!!We have three boys, oldest grade 11, age 16. We tend to be a bit like your parents, expecting him to get good grades (he’s on a half scholarship) and when he got a C last term we said something like “this is a great report for most students, but for you it is a bit disappointing”. Part of it is that on a scholarship, we expect that the school will be expecting better grades. Unfortunately, being bright, he’s never really had to study and though he still gets A’s and B’s that C was a disappointment to him as well. It was a subject he was dropping at end of year 10 so he had lost interest.
We (especially me – his mum) have good communication and he knows we love him (good marks or not), but I think you should show your parents the comments you posted. Depending on your relationship with them, they may be surprised at how you feel.
We have told our boys that we don’t mind what they chose to do in life but that completing year 12 is their chance of getting an entry into whatever they want (at our expense). If they don’t get a high enough score to get into something they want to, they have to either repeat grade 12 or probably pay HECS to do grade 12 later.
Good luck and keep up the good work. I’m sure it’s just that life is busy and sometimes we tend to take each other and our good achievements for granted. I know I have to remind myself to praise my boys and give positive feedback, rather than expecting them to be able to read our minds.
Besh wishes, Wylie.
Firstly I must praise you on your accomplishments so far. What a whiz you are in your grades – as well as contributing and educating yourself with the research you are doing in regard to actually being logged on to an investors site.
I have 2 boys you I constantly learn things from. Each and everyone can learn from others. Maybe your parents need to take a look at themselves before they critise you.
You cannot be responsible for their actions. You are only responsible for your actions.
Parents do not need a licence to become a parent – maybe we should. It is one of the hardest jobs to ensure that we have good experiences.
It isn’t easy growing up – I’m glad I am older – I believe I have become wiser – although every day I learn something new and I take it on board.
Parents only have children on loan – parents need to realise that, and ensure that the words that are used do not have a negative impact on their children. If we say something that we don’t believe or don’t want we might end up getting want we don’t want. Just be aware of what is said.
The letter sounds good. My son wrote me a letter and it was just wonderful. Everyone is so busy in todays lifestyle and we don’t realise the impact it is having on the people who we love.
We all need to take time out to smell the roses.
To enable myself to have more time to smell the roses is why I have become involved in property investing. In time it will enable me to take the time to give back.
A book that could be helpful in working through emotions and feelings is Michael Rowland’s “Absolute Happeniness” which is available in good book shops.
Just remember you need to take time out to pat yourself on the back for your achievements. You do not have to get permission to praise yourself on what you have achieved in your short life.
Enjoy life and communicate effectively with the people you love.
Achiever
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