Hi all,
Just thought it might be interesting to start a jokes thread.[lmao]To start the ball rolling I’ll give you one to warm up….being jokes geo will have some fun and I expect some good ones here geo![biggrin]
Musical Octopus
(warning this funny has a naughty word in it)
A guy walks into a pub with an octopus under his arm, puts the octopus on the bar and announces to the room, “This is the most talented Octopus in the world and he can play any instrument you put in front of him AND I will reward $500 to the person who can prove me wrong!”
A few of the patrons then proceeded to get up and leave the room.
About ten minutes later a guy walks into the bar with an electric guitar and puts it in front of the octopus. The octpus picked the guitar up and played it better than Jimi Hendrix himself! The room was stunned.
Next a woman walks in with a trumpet and places it on the bar next to the octopus, he then scooped it up and played it better then Louis Armstrong!
Finally a man strolls into the bar with a set of bagpipes under his arm and plonks them in front of the octopus. The octopus looked at the set of bagpipes curiously tilting it’s head from side to side in wonder.
“HA!” said the man, “You can’t play it!”
The octopus replied, “Play them I’m gonna f*@% it as soon as I can get it’s pyjamas off!!”Have fun folks,
Blondie[cowboy]hehe – very funny..
I have one
Three men – an American, a Japanese and an Irishman – were sitting
> > > naked in a sauna.
> > > Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm
> > > and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.
> > > “That was my pager,” he said. “I have a microchip under the skin of my
> > > arm.”
> > > A few minutes later a phone rang.
> > > The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished, he
> > > explained, “That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.”
> > > The Irishman felt decidedly low tech and, not wanting to be outdone,
> > > he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out
> > > of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of
> > > toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows
> > > and stared at him.
> > > The Irishman finally said, “Well, will you look at that. I’m getting a
> > > fax.”
Keep them coming. I need to send a good gag to my staff each morning after their computers pole over night. I started doing it and now they expect it.
Bugger
Beck.
“You have to leave your mouth open for a very long time before a roast chicken flys into it.” Early Proveb.OK, try this one, (the octopus reminded me), apologies in advance:
Man walks into a bar… He sits down and places a tiny piano on the bar. He then opens his duffle bag and pulls out a tiny monkey and sits him by the piano.
He offers to have the monkey play the piano if the barman buys him a round of drinks and the barman, seeing some free entertainment in the offering, agrees. The man tells the monkey to play Bethoven and the monkey nods once, composes himself then dives in to the best rendition of Symphony No 5 that the publican or his clientelle have ever heard.
One of the patrons, so impressed, walks up and asks the man where he found such an amazing monkey.
The man explains how, when on holiday in egypt, he found a magic bottle which he dutifully rubbed to produce an amazing Genie. The Genie, of course, offered 3 wishes.
His first two wishes he wasted on wine and women, but his third resulted in this magical monkey.
“That’s amazing” the other man says, “I’d never have conceived of wishing for a monkey that plays the piano?”
Wait for it…
“Are you crazy?” the man with the monkey says, “Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?”!! [biggrin]
Sorry ’bout that one…
Michael.rebecca – excellent gag.
michael – good gag. i dont need a genie though. im thinking of taking up one of the 10 spam ‘extension’ offers i get on email per day. serves me right for doing a ‘paris hilton’ google search…
Like your style Aussierogue!!
Richard bought a brand new Holden Monaro. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 150 kmph,and was enjoying the windblowing through his (thinning) hair.
“This is great,” he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. Then, he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing. “I can get away from him with no problem” thought Richard, and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 kmph to escape being stopped.He then thought, “What the hell am I doing? I’m too old for this kind of thing” and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.
The Policeman pulled in behind the Monaro and walked up on the driver’s side. “Sir my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.” The man looked back at the Policeman and said, “Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back.”The Policeman said, “Have a nice day.”Well Blondie – I can’t resist the offer…[biggrin][biggrin][biggrin]
And Rebecca – that’s one great joke I must admit…well, here is the first of many…enjoy[biggrin]
IF A FLY FALLS IN A CUP OF COFFEE
– English : Throws his cup away and walks out.
– American : Takes the insect out and drinks the coffee.
– Chinese : Eats the insect and throws the coffee away.
– Japanese: Drinks the coffee with the insect as it is coming free.
– Palestinian : Sells the coffee to the American and the insect to the
Chinese and gets a new cup of coffee.
– Israeli : Accuses the Palestinian for throwing the insect into his
coffee.
Relates the issue to violence.
Asks the Americans for Military Aid.
Takes a loan from America to buy one more cup of
coffee.I’ve found a way to help you save and earn whilst not selling or delivering any product. If interested, drop me an email or PM me to find out how
One Sunday morning, a little girl and her mother go to church. Halfway through, the little girl tells her mother she’s going to be sick. Her
mother tells her to go in the bushes behind the church. The girl leaves and comes back after about five minutes. Her mother asks her if she threw up.”Yes,” the girl says. “But I didn’t have to go all the way ’round the back.
There was a box near the front door that said ‘For the Sick.”’
Donations To The PreacherAfter the church service, a little boy told the pastor he was going to give him a lot of money when he grew up.
”Well, thank you,” the pastor replied, ”but why?”
”Because my daddy says you’re one of the poorest preachers we’ve ever had!”I’ve found a way to help you save and earn whilst not selling or delivering any product. If interested, drop me an email or PM me to find out how
I look at the stars, the stars r beautiful Then I look at you.
I rather look at the stars again.Look at the world as one big chocolate cake.
It would never be complete without few sweets n nuts.
Sweets like ME and nuts like YOU.Good looking people r hard to find.
That’s why u don’t see me often.When u feel sad.
To cheer up just go to the mirror and say, “damn I am really sooo cute” u will overcome ur sadness.
But don’t make this a habit.
Coz liars go to hell!I’ve found a way to help you save and earn whilst not selling or delivering any product. If interested, drop me an email or PM me to find out how
RIVER WALK
There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. “Yoo-hoo!” she shouts, “How can I get to the other side?” The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, “You ARE on the other side.”
DEAD BMW
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says,> “What’s the story?” He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor” She asks, “How often do I have to do that?”SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!”
EXPOSURE
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, “Ma’am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?” She says,
“Why officer?”
“Because your breast is hanging out,” he says. She looks down and says,
“OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!”BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said,
“We were the first in space!” The American said, “We were the first on the moon!” The Blonde said, “So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!”
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
“You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!” said the Russian.To which the Blonde replied, “We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!”IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?”
She thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off?”MAN’S BEST FRIEND>
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said,
“Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?” “HelOOOooo,” answered the blond.
“They’re watch dogs!”I’ve found a way to help you save and earn whilst not selling or delivering any product. If interested, drop me an email or PM me to find out how
A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter and
sees it’s filled to the brim with $10 bills…The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it! He
approaches the bartender and asks, “What’s up with the jar?”“Well… you pay ten dollars… and IF you pass three tests…you get
all the money!!!”The man certainly isn’t going to pass this up! What are the three tests?”
” Pay FIRST…” says the bartender… “Those are the rules.”
So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar…
“OK,” the bartender says, “here’s what you need to do… FIRST: You
have to drink that ENTIRE GALLON of pepper tequila…the WHOLE thing, all
at ONCE… and you CAN’T make a face while doing it…SECOND: There’s a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth…You
have to REMOVE the tooth with your BARE HANDS…THIRD: ! There’s a 90 year-old woman upstairs who has NEVER reached
orgasm during intercourse… You’ve gotta MAKE THINGS RIGHT for her.”The man is stunned… “I KNOW I paid my 10 bucks… but I’m not an
IDIOT! I WON’T DO IT!!! You have to be NUTS to drink a gallon of
pepper tequila, and then do those OTHER THINGS!!!”“Your call,” says the bartender, “but your MONEY stays where it is…”
The man has a few drinks… then a few more… Finally…he asks,
“WHERRRRE’S ZAAAAT! TEQUIIIIIILA?!?!?!” He grabs the gallon with both
hands and downs it with a big slurp…Tears are streaming down both
cheeks, but he doesn’t make a face…Next… he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up…The
people inside the bar hear a HUGE, NOISY SCUFFLE going on outside…
They hear the pit bull barking… the guy screaming…the pit bull
yelping … and then…. SILENCE .Just when they think the man SURELY must be dead, he staggers! back
into the bar … with his shirt ripped… and large, bloody scratches all over his body…“NOW……..” he says…”WHERE’S THE OLD WOMAN WITH THE SORE TOOTH?!?!?
Two women friends had gone for a girl’s night out, but had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking
>home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the
cemetery.One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties, use them and throw them away. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to lose them, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves, and she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls took care of business they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women’s husbands phoned the other husband and said, “Listen, these damn Girls Nights Out are gonna stop! Would you believe my wife came home last night with no panties!”
“Tell me about it,” said the other guy, “Mine came
back with a card stuck to her ass that said, “From all of us at the fire station. We will never forget you!”I’ve found a way to help you save and earn whilst not selling or delivering any product. If interested, drop me an email or PM me to find out how
Hee hee hee…. Sigh… Geo, you always crack me up…
Success is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration.
OK…. some blonde jokes eh?!
A handyman arrives at his next job, knocks on the door and is invited in to have a look at the painting that the client wanted done.
First she leads him into the first room and says, “This is the kitchen I would like it a yellow colour”. The handyman walks to the window and yells, “Green side up!”
The lady client looked at him a bit funny, thought nothing of it and lead him through to the next room. “This is the bathroom I would love to have this a blue colour”…. the handyman walks to the window and yells, “Green side up!”.
The lady is now getting alittle curious but still says nothing and leads him through to the last room, “Now this is my bedroom and I rekon a burgundy would look great in here”…. the handyman goes to the window and again, “Green side up!”.
This time she had to ask, “Excuse me but why is it that everytime I show you a room and tell you what colour I want it you go to the window and yell ‘green side up’ ?”
to which the handyman replied, “Oh sorry, it’s just I’ve got a crew of blondes working accross the road laying turf!” [biggrin]Blondie[xmas]
Keep em coming they are great,
I have been polling them down to my girls at the shops I have and they love them. Although I have had to change the blonde jokes to red head jokes because all my staff are blonde but me. What the? Ten girls and all blonde how did that happen.
Heehehehehehe[daisy]
Beck.
“You have to leave your mouth open for a very long time before a roast chicken flys into it.” Early Proveb.
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