The Airlines

Subject: Flight Announcements

All too rarely, Australian airline attendants make an effort to
make the in-flight “safety lecture” and their other
announcements a
bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have
been
heard or reported:

On an Air NZ Flight with a very “senior” flight attendant
crew,
the pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising
altitude
and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your
comfort
and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”

---

On landing the hostess said, “Please be sure to take all your
belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure
it’s
something we’d like to have.”

---

“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only
4 ways to leave the aircraft.”

---

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Auckland, a
lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”

---

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
Adelaide, a flight attendant on a Qantas flight announced,
“Please
take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after
a
landing like that, sure as f*** everything has shifted.”

---

From a Qantas employee: “Welcome aboard Qantas Flight XXX to
YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle,
and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and,
if
you
don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in
public unsupervised.”

---

“In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and
pull it
over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you,
secure
your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling
with
more than one small child, pick your favourite.

---

“Weather at our destination is 32 degrees with some broken
clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
Thank
you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Qantas
Airlines.”

---

“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the
event
of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take
them
with our compliments.”

---

“Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from
the
overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and
nose
before assisting children… or other adults acting like
children.”

---

Heard on Qantas Airlines just after a very hard landing in
Hobart: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
“That
was
quite a bump, and I know what you are all thinking. I’m here to
tell
you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault,
it
wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault… it was the asphalt!”

---

Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect
landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain
Kangaroo
bounces us to the terminal.”

---

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had
a
policy which required the first officer to stand at the door
while
the
passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying
United.
“
He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time
looking
the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a
smart
comment. Finally everyone had got off except for an old lady
walking
with a cane.She said,”Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?”
“Why no
Ma’am,” said the pilot. “What is it?” The little old lady said,
“Did
we land or were we shot down?”

---

After a real crusher of a landing in Sydney, the Flight
Attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in
your
seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft
to a
screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has
cleared
and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you
can
pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”

---

Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like
to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time
you get
the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a
pressurised
metal tube, we hope you’ll think of Qantas.”

---

A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement
over
the intercom. “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain
speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number XYZ, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland.
The
weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth
and
uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax – SHIT! ARGHHH! OH,
MY
GOD!”
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back
on
the
intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I
scared
you earlier, but, while I was talking, the flight attendant
brought
me
a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You
should see
the front of my pants!” A passenger in Economy said, “That’s
nothing.
He should see the back of mine!”

REDWING

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