What A Jackass!

In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone who
occasionally has a really bad day when you just need to take it out on
someone:

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a telephone call that I had to
make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying,
“Hello?”

I politely said, “This is Patrick Hanifin and may I please speak to Robin
Carter?”

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn’t believe that anyone
could be that rude. I tracked down Robin’s correct number and called her.
She had transposed the last two digits.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying on my
desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered,
I yelled, “You’re a jackass!” and hung up. Next to his phone number I
wrote the word “jackass” and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d
call him up. He would answer and I’d yell, “You’re a jackass!” It always
cheered me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real
disappointment for me. I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one
day I had an idea. I dialed his number and heard his voice. “Hello?”

I made up a name. “Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company
and I’m just calling to see if you’re familiar with our new caller ID
program.”

He answered, “No!” and slammed down the receiver.

I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re a jackass!”

The reason I’m taking the time to tell you this story is to show you how
if there’s ever anything bothering you, you can do something about it.
Just dial 555-1212.

(Keep reading, it gets better.)

One day an old lady at the mall was really taking her time pulling out of
her parking space. I didn’t think she was ever going to leave. Finally,
her car began to move ever so slowly and she began backing out. I backed
up a little more to give her plenty of room. Great, I thought, she’s
finally leaving.

All of a sudden this black Camero came flying up the parking aisle in the
wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking my horn and
yelling, “You can’t do that, buddy! I was here first!”

The guy got out of his Camero completely ignoring me. He walked toward the
mall as if he didn’t even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy is a
jackass. There sure are a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had
a “For Sale” sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number.
Then I hunted for another place to park.

The next day I was at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the
phone after calling 555-1212 and yelling, “You’re a jackass!”

(It’s really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.)

Then I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro and
decided to call him too. After a couple of rings someone answered the
phone. I asked, “Are you the man with the black Camaro for sale?”

“Yes.”

“Can you tell me where I can see it?”

“Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It’s a yellow house and the car is
parked right out front.”

I asked, “What’s your name?”

“My name is Don Hansen.”

“When’s a good time to catch you, Don?”

“I’m home in the evenings.”

“Listen, Don, can I tell you something?”

“Sure.”

“Don, you’re a jackass!” And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don’s number to my speed dialer. Now I had two
jackasses to call whenever I had a bad day. However this wasn’t as much
fun as it used to be. So I thought about it and came up with a solution.

First, I had my phone dial jackass #1. The man answered nicely and I
yelled, “You’re a jackass!” But I didn’t hang up.

The jackass said, “Are you still there?”

I said, “Yeah.”

He said, “Stop calling me.”

I said, “No!”

He said, “What’s your name, pal?”

I said, “Don Hansen.”

He said, “Where do you live?”

“1802 West 34th Street. It’s a yellow house and my black Camaro is parked
out front.”

“I’m coming over right now, Don. You’d better start saying your prayers.”

“Yeah, like I’m really scared, Jackass!” And I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, “Hello.”

I said, “Hello, jackass!”

He said, “If I ever find out who you are…”

“You’ll what?”

“I’ll kick your butt.”

“Well, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now, jackass!”

And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told
them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay
lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 news about
the gang war going down on West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my
car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious!

I watched two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6
squad cars and a police helicopter I also taped it off the evening news!