Irish Jokes

Enjoy,
>
>>>Only the Irish have jokes like these:
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Into a Belfastpub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been
>>>run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his
>>>face is cut and bruised and he’s walking with a limp. “What happened
>>>to you?” asks Sean, the bartender. “Jamie O’Conner and me had a
>>>fight,” says Paddy. “That little <edited>, O’Conner,” says Sean, “He
>>>couldn’t do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.”
>>>”That he did,” says Paddy, “a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
>>>lickin’ he gave me with it.” “Well,” says Sean, “you should have
>>>defended yourself, didn’t you have something in your hand?” That I
>>>did,” said Paddy… “Mrs. O’Conner’s breast, and a thing of beauty
>>>it was, but useless in a fight.”
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from
>>>the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all
>>>over the road. A cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the
>>>driver, where have ya been?” “Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,”
>>>slurs the drunk. “Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had
>>>quite a few to drink this evening.” “I did all right,” the drunk says
>>>with a smile.
>>>”Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his
>>>arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife
>>>fell out of your car?” “Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a
>>>minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan
>>>arrives at her door. “Brenda, may I come in?” he asks.
>>>”I’ve
>>>somethin’ to tell ya”. “Of course you can come in, you’re always
>>>welcome, Tim. But where’s my husband?” “That’s what I’m here to be
>>>telling ya, Brenda.”
>>>
>>>There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery” “Oh, God no!”
>>>cries Brenda. “Please don’t tell me.” “I must, Brenda. Your husband
>>>Shamus is dead and gone. I’m sorry. Finally, she looked up at Tim.
>>>”How did it happen, Tim?” “It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a
>>>vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.”
>>>
>>>”Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least
>>>go quickly?” “Well, Brenda… no. In fact, he got out three times
>>>to pee.”
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after his Sunday morning
>>>service, and she’s in tears. He says, “So what’s bothering you,
>>>Mary
>>>my dear?” She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My
>>>husband
>>>passed away last night.” The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s
>>>terrible.
>>>Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?” She says, “That he
>>>did, Father.” The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary? ” She says,
>>>He said, ‘Please Mary, put down that damn gun…’
>>>
>>>
>>>AND THE BEST FOR LAST
>>>
>>>A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional
>>>booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to
>>>get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
>>>Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk
>>>mumbles, “ain’t no use knockin, there’s no paper on this side
>>>either.”
>>>
>>>
>>>
[biggrin][biggrin]

There are 3 types of people:1. People who make things happen.
2. People who watch what happens.
3. People who wondered what happened.