Martha and Me

Martha Stewart and me……..

Martha’s way #1:
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar
cone to prevent
ice cream drips.

My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of
the cone, for
Pete’s sake, you are probably lying on the couch with
your feet up
eating it anyway.

*****

Martha’s way #2:
Use a meat baster to “squeeze” your pancake batter
onto the hot
griddle and you’ll get perfectly shaped pancakes every
time.

My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the
microwave for 30
seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the
plastic bag.

*****

Martha’s way #3:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the
bag with the
potatoes.

My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it
in the pantry
for up to year.

*****

Martha’s way #4:
To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of
salt to the water
before hard boiling.

My way: Who cares if they crack, aren’t you going to
take the shells
off anyway?

*****

Martha’s way#5
To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet,
simply add a drop or
two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of
pan, and bring
to boil on stovetop.

My way: Eat at Chili’s every night and avoid cooking.

*****

Martha’s way #6:
Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray
before pouring in
tomato based sauces and there won’t be any stains.

My way:
Feed your garbage disposal and there won’t be any
leftovers.

*****

Martha’s way #8:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan,
use a bit of the
dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess
on the outside
of the cake.

My way:
Go to the bakery. They’ll even decorate it for you.

*****

Martha’s way #9:
If you accidentally over salt a dish while it’s still
cooking, drop
in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt
for an
instant “fix me up.”

My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking,
that’s too damn
bad.

My motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don’t
care how bad it
tastes.

*****

Martha’s way #11:
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before
baking to yield a
beautiful glossy finish.

My way:
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include
brushing egg
whites over the crust and so I don’t do it.

****

Martha’s way #13:
When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to
help bring out
the corn’s natural sweetness.

My Way:
The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.

*****

Martha’s way #15:
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and
rub
it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

My way:
Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because
you can’t rub a
lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in
your eye, and
then the problem isn’t the headache anymore, it is
because you are
now blind.

*****

Martha’s way #16:
Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into
ice cubes for
future use in casseroles and sauces.

My way:
Leftover wine?

Martha’s way #19:

Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer.

* Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets,
wait twenty
minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and
effervescent action
clean vitreous china.

* Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a
glass vase
or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer
tablets.

* Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a
glass of
water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.

* Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water,
drop in four
Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or
longer, if
necessary).

My way:
Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet.
Add some Alka-
Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems
at once.

“The man that thinks at 5o as he did when he was 20 has wasted 30 years of his life”